The "To-Do List"

I was recently asked the question:

What were your keypoints of getting better?

I am asked this question constantly, for good reason! I asked the same when I first heard that chronic pain was a mind/body/spirit issue, rather than just an incurable body issue.

I’ll start with a list of the tangible items – the activities, the steps, the process – because I know its what all you beautiful perfectionists and overachievers are looking for. But the important part is explained after that. The important part is the one, simple little thing that you probably don’t want to hear, don’t want to look at, and probably don’t even want to think about! So… reader beware.

Tangible Items (intellectual understandings & practices):

1. Boundaries - I found that my energy was being sapped because I was giving it away, ultimately because I wanted to please everyone - my parents, my boss, women, my friends... even strangers. I relied on their approval to give me self worth. My mentor's help with boundaries allowed me to see that if I had too much on my plate, all I needed to do was say something! I was so used to having my feelings rejected or shamed during childhood that when I expressed anger assertively at work for the first time, I was surprised to see my boss react with acceptance and care.

2. Diet & Exercise - When I was in pain, I did not take care of myself. When I began to heal, I started to exercise out of SELF LOVE, rather than trying to "fix" myself, or be "good enough", or be "perfect". That intention is everything because if you are trying to fix yourself, you are literally perpetuating the idea that there is something wrong with you. Keep in mind, changing your diet and exercising is irrelevant – it is the expression of LOVE from yourself to yourself which is healing.

3. Understanding my Limitations - before I healed, I was always overstepping my limitations. I took the idea of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" WAY too far 😂. The fact is, suffering only makes you stronger if you take the time to relax, take care of yourself, and recover when it is prudent. Understanding that it was okay to say "NO" was probably the biggest example of the acceptance of my own limitations (note that it is also connected to the item #1).

4. Personal Meditation - again, meditation alone will absolutely not "heal" you. However, my particular set of beliefs were very deeply rooted, so through meditation I was able to observe them much more carefully. My journey with meditation made me realize that meditation is a very, very GENTLE process - not about perfecting your focus or being "better", but RELAXING, ALLOWING and bringing AWARENESS to how you are now, as you are, without needing to change!

5. Relationships with Others - As I healed, I began to realize how manipulative I was. I had a lot of "covert narcissistic" traits, and they ultimately stemmed from the feeling of SELF HATRED towards my own inner feeling of "not being good enough". As I began to observe this happening, over time, step by step, I started to open up my heart and allow myself to become more vulnerable. I started to trust others more, see the light in others, and because I could stand up for myself more, I could also have more GENUINE, loving relationships.

The important part:

This all contributed to my healing, but none of it was 100% necessary to heal. So what IS necessary to heal?

Did you notice how, in almost every one of those, I mentioned self-esteem related issues? People-pleasing, self-worth, trying to "fix yourself", trying to "be better", trying to "change youself", trying to be perfect... the list goes on and on!

What do all of these things have in common?

SHAME.

Ultimately, I was ashamed. I felt defective, not good enough - intrinsically dirty or wrong. I was scared of my own emotions, and I was ashamed of my shame!

Unconsciously, I knew that I felt defective; and unconsciously, I tried to block that part of myself out of my conscious mind. I unconsciously tried to push it down. This all happened without me knowing! I was essentially trying to HATE my shame out of existence 😂 how absurd is that? Then, I was also trying to hate my self-hate! Then if I became aware of THAT self-hate, I would try to hate THAT away! The cycle was endless.

So if I had simply accepted my self hate, and accepted my shame, and LOVED it AS IT IS, then I wouldn't have needed to do anything else. I would have healed immediately!

But that really what this life involves - its a learning process from start to finish. And life just keeps on getting better and better!!

-Kyle Mecca