Trying to Heal vs. Letting Go of Pain

The following conversation occurred on November 3rd, 2018 over messenger between a friend and I. He asked about how he could move his attention away from pain when it was present every step and every breath.

I explained how becoming aware of the paradox of resisting your own resistance will keep you trapped in this cycle. If you are struggling with understanding HOW to heal, reading this conversation will help you to become free of the thought patterns keeping you confused. If you then put the understanding into practice, doing the exercise spoken about below, then you will weaken the control that unconscious repressive habits have over you.

QUENTIN: My friend on his own healing adventure. His name has been changed for anonymity purposes.

KYLE: Me, Kyle Mecca.

QUENTIN:

Kyle, hey! I am following your suggestions and these are golden! I don’t check so much intentionally on the pain anymore. However, when I walk or breath deeply I feel the pain. And every step or a deep breath distracts me with pain. Consequently, I check the pain unintentionally simply because it is in every step and breath I make. This is hardly possible not being distracted by it. Should I just observe this happening to me and accept it?

KYLE:

Just know it is you unconsciously distracting yourself from shame, out of fear.

You can't force yourself to accept something, so simply accept your resistance.

Resisting your resistance just perpetuates the cycle. Your consciousness has expanded to include awareness of repressed emotions, but an unconscious habit of resistance is preventing that consciousness from digesting the pain. You resist your resistance, and when you become aware of the resistance, you resist that too.

Resistance to yourself is a form of self-hatred. So what is the only solution to break the endless paradoxical cycle of resistance?

QUENTIN:

See and be aware that I resist, I guess? But is feeling pain can be considered as a resistance? Or being distracted by the pain is a resistance?

I think feeling it is natural. This is just given. But what about being distracted by this natural feeling?

So resistance is like :”Oh I am in pain, fuck I am in pain, this is so disturbing, I want to heal...”. Non-resistance is like:”Oh I am in pain, that is fine...that is part of me and my state of being... nothing to be done about it... if i walk and feel pain, this is my natural way to walk and it is fine...”

KYLE:

That's part of it.

QUENTIN:

And accepting the former is like:”Oh.. I am in pain and it is so disturbing... I want to heal... I see I resist to accept... and this is fine... this is fine to feel pain and resistance...”

KYLE:

You're on the right track.

Okay so let's say resistance = self-hatred

Do you understand that?

QUENTIN:

Yes, by resisting the pain I deny a part of myself, I guess

This is just like denying that you’re limited by setting unlimited boundaries for yourself

KYLE:

Just resistance in general, not in reference to pain

Resistance to self

is self hatred

Do you understand this?

QUENTIN: Yes, this is clear

By resisting you say I reject something. It’s like I hate and therefore reject

KYLE:

You, you reject part of yourself. Now lets imagine a day where you have nothing to do. No distractions, just beautiful nature to walk around it.

What is likely to be going through your MIND in the form of THOUGHTS

What thoughts will you have? List them out now

What are the most likely thoughts youd have, top 10

QUENTIN:

Probably, many of them will be about somehow improving myself

KYLE:

Do it in a numbered list

QUENTIN:

So number 1,

1. I don’t have pain

I would first notice that the pain is not there, as you said there are no distractions

2. I would enjoy the nature for a while and think how beautiful it is

KYLE:

I don't mean that there is no pain, there are no external distractions

No phones, no cars, nothing to do

No duties

No job tomorrow

No life

No friends around

No cooking to do

QUENTIN:

Ohh

1. Will most likely check on my pain level

2. If it is low, will be happy and hope tomorrow it will be lower

3. Will notice 1. And 2.

4. Then enjoy the nature

5. 1-4 cycle repeats

6. 1-3. cycle repeats but maybe with less frequency

KYLE:

3 4 5 6 are not specific thoughts.

Start with #3, what THOUGHT will you have. Although enjoying nature is a fantastic answer haha

QUENTIN:

:))))

After noticing 1. I probably will be like “ok, the pain is there” and at the same time deeper inside “damn pain I am so tired of it”

KYLE:

Just the frequency of what you think will be the most common thoughts

Dont think about it

gogoggoo

just write them now

QUENTIN:

Ohh nice this is so beautiful here

Nice to be here

What about the pain?

Ohh it is there

Damn pain

Ok, it is there, let’s get back to the nature

Ohh this pain is so disturbing, tired of it

Would like to heal

Get back to the nature

Ahahh, that is fun

:))

KYLE:

Perfect! So far I have 4 thoughts:

1. "Where is my pain?"/Checking up on the pain

2. "I need to return to the present moment to stop thinking about pain"

3. "Pain is annoying, I dislike it"

4. "I need to heal"/"How can I heal?"

rattle off 6 more and then I will show you where your pain originates from

QUENTIN:

Ok

5. Oh, this pain is abnormally devastating today, I can’t even walk and enjoy nature decently. Fuck it, maybeI should get back to my medication before I will have some fusions.

Ok perfect, what else. We've categorized all the pain thoughts in 1-5

Any pain thought has already been accounted for in 1-5, so what else

6. I feel ok mentally. I see my core problem. I don’t have obvious anxiety and fear any more. I feel actually good psychologically. Why i am still in pain?

7. Ohh, I see I think again about pain a lot.

It’s normal, maybe I need time, get back to the nature

8. I would like to go to gym next week and do some acrobatics. But I cannot because of pain. Fuck

Ohh, maybe I just need some more time. Let’s get back to the nature

9. Ok, I see hoe much I check on the pain. I hope it helps and tomorrow I will feel better.

Ok, I have more pain connected thoughts, good job pain, you distract me well and more sophisticated. Get back to the nature

So I guess that should be 10:)

KYLE:

I have recorded 7 unique thoughts:

1. "Where is my pain?"/Checking up on the pain

2. "I need to return to the present moment to stop thinking about pain"

3. "Pain is annoying, I dislike it"

4. "I need to heal"/"How can I heal?"

5. Oh, this pain is abnormally devastating today, I can’t even walk and enjoy nature decently. Fuck it, maybeI should get back to my medication before I will have some fusions.

6. I feel ok mentally. I see my core problem. I don’t have obvious anxiety and fear any more. I feel actually good psychologically. Why i am still in pain?

7. I would like to go to gym next week and do some acrobatics. But I cannot because of pain. Fuck

See if you can come up with 8, 9, 10, completely unrelated to pain. All of the pain thoughts have been categorized, so skip over those, they have already been accounted for. Now....

Gogogogo come up with 8, 9, and 10! What is likely to pop in your head?

QUENTIN:

The nature is nice, this is a place I should feel good. But I have a strange feeling of loneliness and sadness, like grief. I see, this is shame connected feeling from my childhood. Well this is ok

Ohhh, what I will do later, when the nature is over? But actually I don’t have to think about it. This is just my usual way to run away from that feeling of sadness and loneliness by setting up some short term or long term goals

I feel like there is something missing in my life. Ohh, but this is probably because this is my normal feeling which results from shame. Well, I see it, it makes it easier.

Actually my life is good. I have a girlfriend that I love and that loves me, I am educated, good future probably. But the pain...

KYLE:

Perfect

Wow!

Before I show you the list to read, how do you feel? Did anything suprise you?

QUENTIN:

That almost all the thoughts are connected to pain/healing

KYLE:

Yes! What else

QUENTIN:

And that i don’t think about that much of variety of things

Its like my thoughts became concentrated

Thant I have that hole in my sole, which is painful but I am happy I now see it clearly

And that I am happy that the pain helped me with that

Without the pain I probably will abuse myself further and my girlfriend as well

By demanding too much and blaming for certain things out of her control

This type of abuse could ruin my life more that the damn pain

KYLE:

Beautiful. You mave made progress even before you see the list.

Okay, here it is:

1. Checking up on the pain. "Where is my pain?"

2. "I need to return to the present moment to stop thinking about pain"

3. "Pain is annoying, I dislike it"

4. Trying to fix myself, identifying what is wrong with me. "I need to heal"/"How can I heal?"

5. "I feel ok mentally. I see my core problem. I don’t have obvious anxiety and fear any more. I feel actually good psychologically. Why i am still in pain?"

6. "I would like to be more active in the future, but I cannot because of pain. Fuck"

7. Trying to figure yourself out. Trying to figure out your mental state, figure out why you feel a certain way. "The nature is nice, this is a place I should feel good. But I have a strange feeling of loneliness and sadness, like grief. I see, this is shame connected feeling from my childhood. Well this is ok"

8. Worry about future responsibilities. "Ohhh, what I will do later, when the nature is over?"

9. Trying to change, thinking there is something wrong with the way I am. "But actually I don’t have to think about it. This is just my usual way to run away from that feeling of sadness and loneliness by setting up some short term or long term goals"

10. Trying to identify why is wrong with me. "I feel like there is something missing in my life. Ohh, but this is probably because this is my normal feeling which results from shame."

Let me know when you are finished reading.

QUENTIN:

Done

KYLE:

Okay, what do you notice about the list

QUENTIN:

Like I am scanning my self and try to explain my feelings to myself. Much of those is about fixing myself or trying to explain why I should NOT be trying to fix myself

KYLE:

EXACTLY

0=1

This is precisely what we have been trying to communicate to you any everyone else. It is only something that can be seen in the present moment, real-time, through experience.

Trying to change, and trying to not change are the same thing.

So the question is, how do you break the cycle?

"I must fix myself. No wait, I'm trying to fix myself. I have to stop. Wait, then I'm trying to fix myself to stop fixing myself. So I have to stop that. No wait, then I'm trying to fix myself to stop fixing myself to stop fixing myself. No wait...."

How does one break the cycle without perpetuating it?

QUENTIN:

By noticing without doing anything?

KYLE:

Yes. By letting yourself see it.

Know there is a paradox.

Let the paradox spin.

Let it speed up in the moment, don't run from it, see it, and you will simply detach from it.

Trying to stop a spinning wheel will just hurt your hands.

QUENTIN:

So it’s like “I see it, nice, let’s get back to nature, ohh again these thoughts, nice, I see it, get back to nature, ohh, I feel much pain and it’s fine, I see it, get back...”

KYLE:

Yes. But if you are still trying to fix the pain, you must ADMIT that to yourself

If you are still trying to change the pain, or fix yourself, you must ADMIT that to yourself.

Decide you are done with the mental gymnastics. You are good enough as you are, and that includes the part of you that feels you are NOT good enough as you are.

This ACTION of letting yourself see, and not trying to pretend or escape, do you know what its name is?

QUENTIN:

Observation?

KYLE:

LOVE

QUENTIN:

Hm, interesting

KYLE:

It is an action done only in the present moment. The act of observing, accepting, and not rejecting what simply IS within you is the act of love.

Like a loving parent whose baby is screaming, crying, and doing all sorts of untasteful things - they accept it as it is.

No matter how inconvenient.

QUENTIN:

Yeah, just had that example in my head

KYLE:

So when you don't want to accept your pain, you don't try to pretend to accept it, you admit you don't want to accept it. You admit you're thinking about it. You admit you are trying to fix it.

And yes, it is very inconvenient - so inconvenient that you won't have the ability to pretend to be superhuman anymore.

See, we are on the same wavelength :D

QUENTIN:

Yes, nothing like this can happen to me these times:)

(*At this time, Quentin sent a video of gymnastic stunt*)

KYLE:

Is that you?

QUENTIN:

Yes

KYLE:

Wow!

unreal!

QUENTIN:

I have done lots of crazy things partly driven by my shame

KYLE:

Yes, me too.

I am suprised Im alive

or not in prison ha

QUENTIN: hahahhh

KYLE:

Maybe something out there is watching over me :D

QUENTIN:

Yes, those all paradoxes and that pain can actually serve you cause me to think about spiritual things a lot

KYLE:

Yes, ultimately spiritual things are just fantasies. Only what is experienced is real, so to someone who has never experienced spiritual things, it is useless to discuss.

But sometimes it's fun as long as I don't take it too seriously.

QUENTIN:

Yeah

Ok

Thank you so much

I feel relaxed now

Will go to shower

KYLE:

So glad to hear it brother.

Enjoy it!

Can I share this conversation, anonymously, on my website?

Your name and any identifying factors would be eliminated.

QUENTIN:

Yes

*End Note: Thank you for reading. remember, us with these mindbody issues are often preocupied with trying to figure out who we are, and why things are as they are. When you heal, you will stop having to think about it all the time (thank God :D). So the result of this practice is to stop constantly trying to figure out life, and just enjoy your time alive.